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People pleasingYahoo/Inbox

• Karen Truesdell Bierman PhD From:kbier1334@gmail.comTo:Karen Truesdell,Karen PhDSat, Feb 1 at 9:29 AM
  Understanding and Overcoming People Pleasing

  People pleasing is a behavioral pattern where individuals consistently prioritize others' needs and wants over their own, often at the expense of their wellbeing. While being considerate of others is valuable, excessive people pleasing can lead to burnout, resentment, and loss of personal identity.

  Signs of People Pleasing

  People pleasing often manifests in several key behaviors:

  • Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" to avoid disappointing others
  • Apologizing excessively, even for things that aren't your fault
  • Struggling to express your own needs, preferences, or opinions
  • Taking on others' problems or responsibilities as your own
  • Feeling responsible for others' emotions and happiness
  • Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when addressing issues is necessary
  • Modifying your behavior or opinions to match what others expect
  The Root Causes

  People pleasing typically develops from various experiences and conditions:

  • Childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional
  • Low self-esteem or self-worth
  • Fear of rejection or abandonment
  • Cultural or societal expectations, particularly those based on gender
  • Past experiences with controlling or demanding relationships
  • Anxiety about conflict or confrontation
  • Learned behavior from family dynamics
  The Impact on Mental Health

  Chronic people pleasing can significantly affect mental and emotional wellbeing:

  • Increased stress and anxiety from constantly trying to meet others' expectations
  • Depression stemming from neglected personal needs
  • Burnout from overextending yourself
  • Reduced self-esteem and sense of identity
  • Difficulty forming authentic relationships
  • Resentment toward others and yourself
  • Physical symptoms from chronic stress
  Breaking Free: Practical Steps1. Develop Self-Awareness

  Start by recognizing your people-pleasing patterns. Keep a journal to track situations where you compromise your own needs and the emotions that arise.

  2. Practice Boundary Setting

  Begin with small steps:

  • Delay your response to requests instead of immediately saying yes
  • Use phrases like "I'll need to check my schedule" or "Let me think about it"
  • Start with setting boundaries in low-stakes situations
  • Practice saying "no" without extensive explanations
  3. Build Self-Worth

  Your value isn't determined by how much you do for others:

  • Identify and challenge negative self-talk
  • List your positive qualities unrelated to helping others
  • Celebrate small wins in asserting your needs
  • Seek therapy if needed to address deeper issues
  4. Develop Healthy Communication

  Learn to express yourself effectively:

  • Use "I" statements to communicate your needs
  • Practice being honest about your feelings
  • Accept that others' disappointment is not your responsibility
  • Share your thoughts and opinions, even if they differ from others'
  5. Create a Support System

  Surround yourself with people who:

  • Respect your boundaries
  • Encourage your growth and independence
  • Model healthy relationship patterns
  • Support your journey toward authenticity
  Moving Forward

  Remember that change is gradual. You might face discomfort as you break old patterns, but this discomfort is temporary and necessary for growth. Focus on progress rather than perfection, and celebrate small steps toward more authentic living.

  Daily Practices

  Incorporate these practices into your daily routine:

  • Check in with yourself before saying yes to requests
  • Practice self-care without guilt
  • Reflect on your true feelings and needs
  • Acknowledge when you're compromising your values
  • Celebrate moments of healthy boundary-setting
  When to Seek Help

  Consider working with a me 1:1 if:

  • People pleasing significantly impacts your daily life
  • You struggle to implement changes on your own
  • Past trauma or deep-seated fears drive your behavior
  • You experience anxiety or depression related to people pleasing
  • You need support developing new coping strategies

  Remember, learning to honor your own needs while maintaining healthy relationships is a skill that can be developed with time, patience, and practice. The goal isn't to stop caring about others, but to create a balanced approach where your own wellbeing is equally valued.

Lesson Activity

Day 1 - Awareness Building

• Spend the day keeping a "People-Pleasing Log." Each time you say "yes" to something, write down:
  • What was requested
  • Your immediate emotional reaction
  • Whether you truly wanted to do it
  • What you wish you had said instead

Day 2 - Delay Practice

• Instead of giving immediate answers to requests, practice saying "Let me think about that and get back to you."
• Notice how it feels to take this pause
• At the end of the day, reflect on which requests you would have automatically said yes to, but might actually want to decline

Day 3 - Mirror Work

• Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying these phrases:
  • "I need to think about that"
  • "That doesn't work for me"
  • "I'm not able to help with that"
  • "No, but thank you for thinking of me" Notice your body language and tone. Practice until you feel more confident.

Day 4 - Values Alignment

• Make two lists:
• Your core values and priorities
• Current commitments and regular "yes" responses
• Circle any commitments that don't align with your values
• Write a plan to gradually reduce misaligned commitments

Day 5 - Guilt Investigation When you feel guilty about setting a boundary:

• Write down the specific guilt-inducing thoughts
• Challenge each thought with:
  • "Is this actually true?"
  • "Whose voice is this really?"
  • "What would I tell a friend in this situation?"

Day 6 - Comfort Zone Expansion

• Choose one small boundary you'd like to set
• Write out a script for communicating this boundary
• Practice it with someone safe or in a low-stakes situation
• Journal about the experience afterward

Day 7 - Self-Care Declaration

• Write a personal "Bill of Rights" including statements like:
  • "I have the right to say no without explaining"
  • "I have the right to change my mind"
  • "I have the right to prioritize my own wellbeing"